Making it happen!

Someone recently asked me to keep a journal. To have a place where you can express how you really feel and that is how I was reminded of this blog. 4 years is a long time and may be this doesn't make much sense but here goes..

It has been a great summer so far and probably until the last month I had things under control. It is funny how within a span of weeks you can go from feeling 'I can do this! Bring it on' to 'Why am I doing this?' Its a hard call when you know what should be doing is not in sync with what your mind is telling you to do. Mind - Aah! The mind never ceases to amaze me. It actually is the most powerful thing in our entire being. How we act or react to any situation, how we pose to be, to be the true you or have a cover up - The mind plays it all too well. It has been a journey trying to conquer the mind. When people say -'Be the master of your mind and not the other way around', it's fascinating how your mind is controlling that thought too... if it lets you succeed in it or not. At this point I feel I am portraying the mind to be an evil character in a novel. As interesting as that would be, it has been my ally too and I am going to give it credit for that. At work, at school or when I decided to achieve my dreams. That's the key deciding to win over something is a crucial aspect here, the one that lets you win over your mind, a mind that is constantly motivated to betray you by either the urge of having a slice of pizza or a chocolate bar when you are trying to lose weight or by whispering to you that you are not good enough or not capable enough to take on the next challenge. Being determined to achieve what you set out to in the first place is important. Being humans that we are, it is only natural to go astray. But the important thing to notice it and try to make your way back. There are many more dreams to be achieved..dreams that require being etched onto the heart. The heart here being the Siamese twin that always tries to influence the mind. And while good or bad, most often than not, the heart wins. To determine to achieve your goals it takes both the heart and the mind to work together and make it happen. As hard as it may be.. this is the right thing to do no matter what your mind insists on making you believe. Here's to more victories...to overcoming over your fears and attuning your heart and mind to making you win!

Making room!

So I see I'm writing a post after 2 years now. I guess my stint at my previous workplace was quite a good one :)

Having said that...today, I'm here at a juncture that was my dream. I was so busy trying to reach it, I forgot that once I do, I will have to give in so much more to retain it. So yes, life changes...you meet a lot of new people, you see new places. There is only one thing that is constant and that is change. When I think back, I can segregate the different phases of my life.....my school, tuition, college, office, graduate school. And with each one came people. Some I have still treasured while some got lost in time. And among these people were some you call your Friends. It is amazing how you share such a strong bond with some who was probably unknown to you a month back. But then even friends come and go. The not in sight, not  in mind rule applies here. And there are some others who make all the effort to stay connected. So, I personally have not been one of those. Rather,even calling someone I really want to talk to is a task to me. You don't realize the worth of things till you haven't lost them. Humans, being social animals, will always seek to confide in other people, to talk, banter, fool around....to depend. And the moment they are not able to do that,...words like depression, seclusion, loneliness, homesickness come into play. What matters here is the compatibility. So, even if you have a zillion people around you does not mean that you will be cheerful and alacritous. To find a group of people you "gel" with and more importantly can trust or depend on is the difficult part. But it comes about in the most natural way without making any effort. More-so, it is your attitude towards different circumstances that will define your "Likability" factor. Here is the interesting part! The First Impression and all the planning that goes into it. Be it anyone your Boss, your friends, to-be in laws or even your blood relations, the thought of impressing people conscientiously  is a scary one. Most times we mess up. Sometimes people just like us the way we are. It is only those people who truly matter as one day or the other the façade will be lost and the true nature revealed. It is essential to bear in mind the fact that your first impression is NOT your "Last Impression". Think back and you'll find so many people who you thought were not the right ones but then they end up being the closest to you. It is a process designed for you to grow, to learn from your mistakes and try to be a good individual each day. I love my friends to the core and appreciate each and every one in my life to have contributed in some special way. Once you learn to appreciate the people around you, the obstacle you face, or even the mistakes you make; you can only then learn from them and make them act as a springboard to lead you to a new beginning.

Letting go....

Once again i'm forced to face this conflict between the right and wrong! To be or not to be... This question though has only 2 answers to chose from but it is surely way difficult a choice than being given a zillion options.

The worst part here is that I know that this is not whats bothering me. The thing that has brought me to this discommode is the very fact that its not a choice between the right and the wrong....its a choice between two "rights". The choice of having to let go off something. Something that has been a part of your life...the quotidian life...that got you so used to itself you cant even wonder what it would be like with that empty space. The lingering silence that once whispered its love to you and the one that you have to choose, to be lost in it and not complain that its killing you. To not complain that it resounds in your head... that shouts out loud to you...telling you not to give yourself this pain.

Life always gives you choices to mold it for the good or the bad. Its hard to quetch and blame it for all the troubles when half of them are a result of the seed you sowed. The seed that will eventually bear its fruits. I do not know how this one decision will change my life. I do not know how things will turn out to be. I wish i don't repent this later.....but i guess I'll have one thing to console me..."It was the Right thing to do!"

The fighting spirit!

yes! so im back again...hoping that once i finish writing this, I would be able to lift my spirits up. I take refuge in writing a blog or a poem and im glad that it has for most of the times come to my rescue and given me my answers.

There are these reccurring images, dreams, fears that most of us experience. The tragedy is that what if u believe u've gotten past it...and it strikes again....or what if it dawns on u that its a leech that has been sucking onto ur life throughout without u even realizing it! Sometimes somethings are soo gargantuan that we we dont cry for them, get worried or in genral react to them...the word here is NUMB. Yes, we become indifferent to things....knowin that it exists but running away frm it so that it can not hurt u. Its like closing ur eyes n thinking that the world can also not see you. For a while this may work....but just recently i was made to open my eyes...to behold the intransigent truth!

The truth that i knew always lay beside me....but my bak turned to it....I tried my best to ignore it. If only it wud have neva shown up....forcing me to accept it. The verity lying in the fact I could no longer turn my face away from it. Rejection was not an option nemore.....coz i had to grow responsible towards my actions, my thoughts, my deeds. Painfull it is...it hurts like a zillion arrows embedded in your heart...each with a strike so sharp. The tears fall....you try to stop them...u try implementing the optimism you potray as innate in ur being...but for a moment it founders. And that moment is this...this very second when my mind is obscured with one thought....1 possibility...rejecting the million options that are in essesnce quixotic.

Once again i want to believe in the mysticism...the myriad, multifarious thoughts to converge to only one belief...the faith that all will be well...That watever happens ..happns for the best...that from this moment on i have to struggl alone...that from this moment on I have to win alone!

.........

Im just writing this to help myself get out of my present state f being....

Truth is inevitable...sumday or the other you havta learn to face things...
I have always been running away from things...bt thot it wz justified as i believed that the ultimate goal is your happiness...u venture into sumthing because it makes u "happy" in sum or the oder way...and wen it doesnt...the best thing to do is to let go.....YES! 2day i will call it running away frm things....4 I know that the true happiness is not in "giving up" bt fighting to achieve VICTORY....
The struggle isnt easy...(ya thats y its called struggle) bt I know for a fact that "WINTER ALWAYS TURNS INTO SPRING!"

lemme tell u the complete story...

U must hav xperienced hw u r different with different ppl...our forefathers saw it as a sign of wisdom...it is true wen u r manipulative enuf to gt things done in ur favour...bt wat is essential is that ur conscience must b clear...neva intend the wrong!
Bt well this is not the story i wz talking abt....
Im a frank...straight-forward person...i say wats in ma heart...im carefree(n its no xggaeration...cz well its evn written in ma character certificate!)
Yes ! this is ma usual self...fooling arnd...merry...do-wat-u-feel types!
This on the contrary is only the partial truth....well!all f us have our "inner sensitive side"...that can differentiate between the right and the wrong...that wants you to b a "responsible individual"...to hold yourself responsible for the good or the bad circumstances circumfrencing your life!
This enlightened self of mine is well mostly dormant as is for most of us...!!
so getting past it...
being ma merry self...there r times wen i gt to see a different side of me...a complete different person...
Ya!Now im getting to "the point".....this indispensable...uncomprehending self...well..it must have some psychological xplanation im sure...as to y this shy..conscious..introvert self emerges..
At first...
y i dont feel lyk talkin to ppl...n then feel bad abt it!?
y i ignore ppl...jz look away wen they might just approach!?
And then...
y cant i change it wen i know its not gud for ma rapport?
y am i changing into this socially closed person wen im trying hard to overcome it!?


Wats strange is that these 2 states...have intertwined with ma life...im happy,wild n weird wen im wid ppl i like...n im an insignificant fool...wen im wid ppl who r either btr off or atleast potray to be...or may b its just me who sees them that way...
The thing is...that im an attention seeker to b honest...almost evry1 is in sum or the other way...which i achieve being ma normal self...and wen i dont is the tym wen i retreat...wen i turn into this meek self...
I desperately want to "open up"..."gel well"...
Its lyk ur first day in school...wen u r conscious abt evrything...wen u donno wat to say...wat to do...wen u scared if ppl will like u...

THE ANSWER lies in the law of oneness of self n environmnt...its the HEART that is important....
To change your surroundings...u havta change urself....

Accomplishing this task requires immense courage....will...strength...


BUT "FAITH" CANNOT BE DEFEATED....!!!RESILIENCE TRIUMPHS ALL......

ME

*life is a facade*

i may b the merriest person on the outside....bt the truth is....
im insecure...im unsure...
i say im the best...wen i know i may nt evn be close...
i love myself...bt neva hav i complained abt nething more than me...
im frank...yes i am...wen certain things evn if i wish...still keep ma lips sealed...
yes i am wat i am...bt i will neva stop trying to be sum1 els...
i live a lie....that im nt evn aware of...
bt that i accept THIS truth is the best part !!

*life is a facade*

MISS U

The world i belong to

The days i cherished

When u held me in ur arms

Kissed my cheeks and wiped my tears

Incomplete without u were my dreams

Your voice gave me strength

Your words healed my heart

I know you believed in me

For in your eyes i cud see




My world is still the same

Just u left me drowned in pain

I cry but u dont lift me up

Walls surround me wen i beg for a hug

My dreams are broken

For u went away

My soul is shattered

For I thought u cared

My days alone i spend

Waiting someday u'll b back

My arms outstreched

But i know you won't come

For we have different roads to traverse

You miss me n I do too

And so I dedicate this song to u!

A diary entry that has all rights to b postd...ma first!

23rd nov 2007
A day i had been counting down since a month....a special day...a reason to smile...rejoice!
Yes its my 19th birthday im talkin of....n it needs no mention as to how excited i can be for my birthday!!
A night before....
im pacing back n forth with a book in ma hand....chemistry...(just to bring to your knowledge..studies n me dont really get along that well..)
My eyes all stuck onto the book....though not a word i understand...all that my mind is processing is that how do u manage 3 xamz in a day....(jz came bak home givin 2)...nt just any day bt ur birthday!!
Yes looking gud n gttin compliments can be some consolation...bt nt to the rescue....
So cant gt a hang of chem...y nt study M.P.(manufacturing process....needs special mention here....i had sores on ma hand working in the workshop where there should be a signboard of 'no mercy'....no btr than bonded slaves....)
Oh!! So is it already 12 ..ma eyes on the phone...in constant desperation f ma first birthday call....ring ring...the phone goes....(actually no....zrrrr zrrr ...its on vibration mode...lolz!!!)
Hmm...naah dont ask me the syllabus...n dont evn temme there is a viva tom...added to the 3 already xistin devilish xamz...WATEVA!!! I dont care ...
Oh...call ...call...call....its nt 12 yet bt i know im so popular...evry1 want to b the first to wish me...(lolz!!!....its ok to give urself airs...i survive on it!!!)
hmm....so its nt d prsn i xpectd to b the first...ma best frend....(dont know if i shud use it to refer to her aftr wat she has done to me....)
Bt newaz we r losing on the xitemnt...its the first caller..yayyyyyyy..n then it goes up till 2 ...1 call aftr another...msgs....blah blah blah...
N den its tym 4 sum swt dreamz....so gunite sweety....njoi!!

THE DAY....
Im up 5 in the morning....rememba i hav 3 xamz to gv...n a viva...
So time to dress up....'lookin gud....u aewz do'!!!
yaa a belt is wat i need...n i dont hav it....so lil cribbin bt its ok....jz cud hav been btr...
so ma best frend ..supposedly...hasnt calld yet...
I gt out f the house...in a rush...the xam starts 1 hr before the usual....
Screwd....donno a word...sent a msg to ma so calld bst frend...sayin i cudnt imagine she hasnt wishd me yet...Watels a dreamy prsn calls bak...n says that she evn diald ma no. at 12 bt then doesnt rememba if she talkd....lolz!!! n apologies.....
Been there done that....reach coll...gt to know we hav to submit d IC file in 2 days....havta start it 4m scratch...neva had classes...no clue watsoeva....
Compliments....n compliments....n wishes....
By d way still hav no clue wat to rite in the xam that follows....
So the xam starts....i havta switch off ma phone...i know ...Tragic ..."ON MA BDAY.....Y GOD Y...???"
The invigilator asks me if its ma bday...'strange ...hw does she know??'
Ya ok...its by the way i look.... :D
So yes 3 xamz...1 hr break aftr the first...attending calls...callin bak ppl who cald while i wz bizzy givin d xam...n studyin 4 the nxt ppr....
Half an hr brk aftr the 2nd....no gud agn...
End f 3rd sessionals.....PHEW!!!
PARTY TYM..........YAYYYYY!!!
Calld bak 1 f ma frends...only to find sum gal...(aur may b aunty...lolz....)answerin it...askin me all sortsa weird questions....( who?4m where...frnd?? or gf??)
to ma amzement she calld bak agn....(ok i gt im irristable...bt cmon....sounds crazy...if sum unknown prsn asks u "phone kyun rakh diya...??baat karo!"
Aftr havin a gud gr8 laugh at that.....got into a car....poor car...supporting 7 ppl....(wagonr...ma frends...our so calld permanent driver...no offence...lolz!!!)
Meanwhile ma frend calld to clearup...it wz his frend n no sis or mom...thankfully...pity if sum1 has such a poky family...haha...(oopz sowie!!)
Aftr a lot of confusion n a teeny weeny brawl....lolz!!!....C.P. is the place to b.....
Bt roads jammd....hw abt a compromise on Model town....naaah!!!...Bt can i hlp....huh!!
Newamind...Its ma bday n its supposd to b fun...so wat if i cundnt throw a party this yr...thanx to the 3rd sessionalz....huh!!
So a choc troufle cake is wat we bought..[not to 4gt the cutsie lovely transparent pink free knife w/ it.. :) ]...
so McD...wasthe only place we cud see....loadsa drama there.....first the cake....the happy bday song....blowing out candles....(ah so they werent magic candles...lolz!!)
My face wz smeard w/ cake....fine its ma bday bt i aint sparin ma frenz....so happy cake to them too....lolz!!!
The drama....grabbin evry1's attention....wz followd by..the treat...were 1 f ma frenz ordered a maharaja burger...hmm??
so all f us ate bt the maharaja burger....wz takin its own swt tym to be presentd...finally it did...ma gosh its huge...so thats deserves a special pic....ma frend biting into it....
n then the photo session...gosh there were so many mirrors....poor ppl....had to bear the embarrassmnt of me lookin into them n proclaimin that i love myself....haha....
Oh jz rememberd the pic w/ uncle donald neva happnd....aah....feel bad 4 it.... :(
Came out to see there wz an authentic chinese retuarant...huh...n McD...is where i had to celebrate ma bday....
Its late ...so off to ma masi's place....there awaits a party....hmm...funtym....
also i found ma best frnd changed her profile name to...happy bday shona....so fine !i appreciate d effort.....lolz!!!!

slept late...
Had no xamz or submissions the nxt day....bt can i eva gt to sleep....??....Its 4:30 in d mornin...Its GURUNANAK BDAY....Tym 4 Prabhat pheri.......

ITS FAKE

I lay crying

hoping for someone to wipe my tears

i sat dejected

hoping for someone to drown my fears

someone who holds my hand

and lifts me up

someone who stands beside me

when all doors seem shut

when you find sumone

who you truly believe

who has a say

in evrythin thats up your sleeve

the trust you have

which once you could never lay

you know he has come here to stay

u walk hand in hand

all things become petty

which once used to be grand

the tears freeze,all ur fears cease

its hard to realize bt its true

this person is INNER YOU!

EXPRESSION

If the day only knew

it had to make luv in moments few

the result wud be the most beautiful twilight

the sorrow of the deep black night

the birth of a new dawn

the cycle goes on

If I could only kno

why I feel so low

the fight between my heart and mind

the lonely road in sight

the crushed soul

the moments he stole

If i could only know

when a seed you sow

the promise a new flower would bloom

the faith that there will be no gloom

the fear if it could survive

the dilemma if the world would conspire

If i cud only know

wen no words he spoke

the feelings deep within

the thoughts that screend

the meaning he had to convey

the eyes that told a tale

If only you could hold on

for an EXPRESSION to be born